Archive for 2012

Home Archive for 2012

So how come that the persons I want to speak to seem to allude me? Maybe that's why I want to speak to them - because they are not available to me. Let's call these persons Category A.

Whereas, the persons who are available to me - I find flaws with or can't seem to find a reason to get that excited by the attention and development. Let's call these persons Category B.

Category A
So let's talk about Example 1, a person who I've know for quite some time. I would say we've known each other for about 4 years now. We don't really meet that often - maybe once every 6 months for coffee. Example 1 is the kind of person who is really interesting, we get along well and always have interesting conversations. However, I feel a need/have a wish of becoming closer friends than just occasional coffee company. I do try with Example 1, I text and I Facebook but this is often meet with a wall of silence. However, I'm a girl who can take a hint so I don't push it too much. I'll send the occasional message every so often - far and few in between. And once in a blue moon it will be reciprocated with an answer. The last time I saw Example 1 - I actually brought this up. I laid my cards on the table, expressed how I keep in touch with Example 1 but Example 1 never keeps in touch with me. I got the answer that we could do something in a few weeks time and that Example 1 would reach out to me after the visit of this persons mother. What do you think happened? Nothing. Still I send the occasional message and text, and as normal I get absolutely nothing back. I don't know what the deal is with Example 1 and why I can't let it go. Clearly this person doesn't have the faintest interest in me or being my friend. Yet I have a really hard time resigning to the idea that I'm just an occasional Distraction/Amusement in this persons life.

Category B
So on to Example 2, this is a person who is very accessible to me. Who pays attention to me and who will make an effort to come over and spend time with me. I like the company of Example 2 and we have a good time together. We do know each other well and Example 2 does express thoughtfulness and care for me. However, sometimes I find myself wishing that Example 2 was someone else. I can still look at Example 2 and find myself baffled by all the flaws that I can find - like a little hint of selfishness, some level of immaturity and the list could go on. I know that I'm not perfect myself and that some of our mutual history may cloud my judgement. But something that I'm really sick of is the fact that I'm willing to admit my mistakes but when Example 2 does I have the feeling that it is only done to please me. Anyways, I enjoy the company and the attention but something about the situation is leaving me a little bit wary and suspicious.

This post will be about nightmares - yes those...

I don't know how it is for you, dearest reader, but for me my nightmares always feel unshakingly real. As you probably could tell from my post Dreams 1 I have fairly vivid dreams and can often remember full dreams, multiple dreams from one night or at least I can describe a scene or a feeling.

Nightmares, for me personally, always feel very real and present when I wake up. Even though I know logically that it was a nightmare for the first 10 or 15 minutes of being awake in the middle of the night I'm awake but still rapped up in the blanket of the senario of the nightmare. I can often feel my body respond to it - my pulse won't settle and my muscles will still be tensing up to protect me from the unreal but unshakingly present threat of the dream world.

I remember a specific event that perfectly illustrates this situation - I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare: in the dream someone would appear as a shadow on the outside of my window, becoming a silhouette across the pulled shut curtain. At the time I was living in the room next to the front door of our house (since I have moved and now live in a room on the top floor). I used to call this room the burglary room as it is - apart from our sturdy blue painted front door it's the most logical point of entry for any uninvited guests.

I couldn't shake the dream, I kept on staring at the window. I knew I was awake, I knew that the dream was really fiction and it manifesting as reality would be an unlikely and far fetched possibility. But still, the illogical side of me was dead convinced that at any moment the silhouette would appear and I could not settle down - I had to call and wake up my at the time boyfriend and he had to talk me down for a few minutes to break the trans like state of being convinced that the dream is reality.

These days when I wake from a nightmare I try to read or listen to a radio show, sometimes even watch telly. It's like there is a need for an hour of normality to break the hovering feeling of the dream world.

It works the same with pleasant dreams for the first few hours of the morning I feel a strong presence of them, I remember all the details and can sometimes still feel the feelings of the dream. Whereas, with sad dreams I will every once in a while wake up and realise that I'm crying.